(youtube red jingle) (funky music with a strong beat) - it looks so warm in calabasas. - why are kim and khloealways eating salads out of plastic containers? what about that fancy blac chyna they're always talking about? - they eat out ofplastic containers because they'realways on the go.
- but, what exactlydo they do, besides make the chubby lesbian cry? - grandma, no, that's rob.and they're famous for being themselves, although i'mnot sure if i'd like that. i mean, everyone wanting toknow everything about you, like what you did on vacation or how you survived high school. - people will watch anything. - if i were famous, i'dwanna be known for my acting
abilities, and keep myreal life a mystery. like an approachablenatalie portman. - go outside. this is all you'vedone the past week. - mom, grandma needs to see this if she's gonna watchtonight's premiere with me. - it's called "keepingup with the kardashians", i gotta be caught up. - did you send your resumeto holt, hughes and stanton?
- what's the point? i mean why didn't youlet me major in theater like i wanted to? who's even anaccountant anymore? - i'm an accountant. - and you're sure yourfirm isn't hiring? maybe it's time to get creative. kim kardashian used her butt to get her whole family careers.
- don't you wantmore out of life? - i want three oscars,a house on the beach, and a headboard thatlooks like an aquarium. i'll send out myresume tomorrow. - you know janey, youdon't have to just sit here on the couch with me. - look! palm tree montage. god, how cool would it beto see a palm tree irl?
- hey, hit pause. i love sitting on this couchwith you more than anything. - are you breaking up with me? - you need to want more. you've been stuckin a rut ever since you moved back after school. and we both know you'dmake a terrible accountant. janey, just go get thataquarium bed right now. - i think al's petworld is closed.
- it's a metaphor. - so, what, you thinki should just move to hollywood and start acting? - see, you alreadyknow what you want. - it's been my dream my wholelife, but i'm not sure-- - don't finish that sentence, we hate the endof that sentence. the end of thatsentence is the enemy. - but grandma.
- no, you're good. i hear you in your roomdoing that monologue from the vampire-werewolf movie. - i don't do that. anymore. - if my granddaughter wantsto see some palm trees, she's gonna see somedamn palm trees. - well, there was this castingwebsite i used to look at. - really?
oh, show me, now. - here. seeking women ages 15 to 25for a used car commercial. open all heights,weights, and ethnicities. that's me!- that's you! - do you really thinki could do this? - janey, you've wanted thisyour whole life, if you don't go now you'll regret it forever. - like the time i got bangs.
- yes, that was a terribleidea, but this isn't. - i don't know. (sighs) - you know what? - what? - we could do it together. that's it! how 'bout if i come with you? - grandma, you wouldreally move to la with me? - wait, what-what's happening?
why would you move to la? - to be an actress! grandma said she'd comewith me, right grandma? - yeah, you think i wannawatch my daughter-in-law do laundry for therest of my life? - i love you, too. - you know what i mean. i dreamt of goin' to la wheni was her age, but i couldn't i had to stay here because of--
- the war. - and it's so cold andboring here, i could die. you want me and janeyto die here, barbara? - death. it's coming for me. i never thought itwould but here we are. by sacrificing my life forhis, i've finally found peace. - what is happening? what is this?
- she's doing hervampire-werewolf movie, this is the best part. - but, no regrets, right? isn't that what they say? it's time i accept myfate and leave home. - just take goodcare of her, please. - you got it. - i'm talkin' toyour grandmother. - of course i'll look after her.
and i promise, i will neverlet her do anything stupid. - i'll just be here doingtwo less loads of laundry. (mom laughs) (both laugh and cheer) - should we pack? - no, hit play. first, we have to "keepup", i don't wanna look like some rube from thesticks when i get to la. - oh, and grandma,blac chyna's a person,
not dishware. - would you gimme that pen? i need to write this down. - all right, are you ready? once i turn this keyour new life begins? - ah, janey? could our new lifebegin in like a minute? no, make it five. i drank a lotacocoa, i gotta pee!
sorry, janey! - i'll wait for you. (old-fashioned music) - there's somethingthrilling about peeing in the wilderness,hand me the leaf. look at us! we're alreadybohemian los angeles types. - as soon as we getthere, i'm going vegan, gluten-free, soy-free,dairy-free, and cruelty-free. but not until we try in-n-out.
- i wanna try botox. (janey sighs) - hey grandma, doesthis look weird to you? is this bad? - nah. it's a bumper, it'sonly for bumping. we just can't bump anything. - so, should we, like,put it in the car? - i don't know,looks kind of greasy.
- i don't wanna getbumper juice all over my new hollywood clothes. - i have an idea. - no! - okay. in, in. okay, that's it! that's good. - is it?
- janey, i have bad news. - you have to pee again? - no, i think we have to saygoodbye to our cuddle clothes. - but we've had these sinceseason 18 of "the bachelor". - don't bring upjuan pablo right now, it's only gonna make me angry. janey, let's do this right. my bag? (lamenting music)
(music builds toupbeat dance music) - this unit is fantastic,it's a spanish villa with a huge roof deck. it has a sunroom, 24-hourgym access, as well as recently restored breezeways. - i don't know what breezewaysare but, i want them. i wanna feel the breeze. - poker face, janey. that is amazing!
- here, we have a modern,mid-century duplex with walk-in closetsand a stunning view of the hollywood hills. - literal goals. - it's a bargain, onlyforty-five hundred a month. - yeah, okay. - oh. you know, in a certain light, it's kind of shabby chic.
(air mattress pump whirs loudly) - what about inthis light, janey? - stop it, we'll make ourown wall art and we'll build a coffee table out of old books. mm, it's gonna be so pinterest! hey grandma, where'syour air mattress? - my what now? - your bed. i get the living room,you get the bedroom.
- can i also getyour air mattress? - what are you people doing? - janey, get the bat,we're being robbed. - grandma, we don't have a bat. - calm down, overlydramatic new people. i'm not robbing you. you're making thebuilding vibrate, her bones are brittle. - i was just trying toblow up my air mattress.
- careful with that air pump, that's how the cstarted flickering. - oh, so you live here too? - i'm heidi. performance artist. my stage is the coffeecart downstairs. - i'm janey, i guess i'mkind of an artist, too. i'm an actress. - that makes sense.
and what, you'relike the stage mom? - that's sweet, i'mthe stage grandmom. we're like sisters. - huh, we're not. hey heidi, what's up withthe cell service around here? - there is none. - i was just trying tomap out the route to this car commercial auditioni have tomorrow. we just got in from michigan.
- that also makes sense. - so, should she just popoutside for cell service? - you don't ever wanna popoutside the ass after dark. - that's fine. we are resourceful,independent young women. you think i grew up with google? all i had during the warwas a belly full of soup and the north star to guide me. - the war?
- don't ask. that was here when we moved in. - yeah, i put it there. - uhn. (upbeat dance music) i will say that based on thecolor of my urine just now, i'm very hydrated,how'd yours look? - grandma. - they all look like you.
- excuse me? - no, you're way prettier,you're like cindy crawford. - so, you think i look 50? cindy crawford's abeautiful super model. she was good enough forrichard gere, she's on my list. - i was just saying that you'repretty like she's pretty. - got it. i'm an old ladywith a pre-cancerousraisinet on my face. - what? no!
let's start over. i'm janey, andthis is my grandma. - i am victoria! - oh honey, they're castingbasic bitches down the hall. - if i wanted theopinion of a questionably sober old woman,i'd call my mother. and, i'd tell you thatyou're not getting the part, but you already know that. bye.
- she was just tryingto psych you out, that's why she threw lampshade. - it's just shade, grandma. - miss skalecki? - that's me. grandma, what are you doing? - well, i wannasee how it works. don't worry, i'll bequiet as a church mouse. (group of people laughing)
- so, cut to we're onthe side of the road, in our wearable blankets,and we look like a couple of teletubbiesand we shove the bumper into the backseat of the car. (grandma laughs) so, long story short,bye-bye cuddle clothes. - long story long, grandma,i think they've heard enough. should i read? - janey, janey, you nailed it.
i saw him write somethingnext to your name. - writing is good,writing is always good. - yeah! we should celebrate. - what's the coolesthollywood hotspot we know? - oh, you shouldaseen her, heidi. that car commercial was hers. - god, i really hope so. grandma's retirementmoney's only gonna last us
a month or so. - just so you know, inormally don't fraternize with customersduring a performance, i'm making an exception. - commitment. i love it. (cell phone rings) hello? hi.
yes. oh, oh i see. well, thanks for calling. - what happened? - that was casting, um, they decided to go in adifferent direction, so... - oh, butterscotch? oh, hi, i-- i, uh...
oh. i understand. thank you for calling. (cell phone clicks shut) - who was that? - that was casting. i guess i'm thedifferent direction. - wait, you mean? - i got the part.
- well this is awkward. for you guys. sups entertaining for me. you two are gonna be fun. - take the bag. (guitar music with heavy beat) - welcome to the clerb. grandma, don't mimic me. i say that ironicallybecause i'm not wearing
a von douche hat. this place is lit, let's rage. - hell, yeah. i need to pee. - so, we celebratinggrandma's big role? should we get her shots? or are we beingpetty, i just met you so i don't know how you roll. - no, i'm thrilled for her.
- yeah, you're areally great actress. - nevermind! the line was too long, iguess they're all doing angel dust inthere, right heidi? - yeah, it's an epidemic. - and they're playingshuffleboard, andall the men have fedoras, and the women arewearing oversized glasses, i feel like i'm in florida! maybe they have bingo.
- tuesdays. grandma, why don't you order? i wanna see what happens. - bartender. we'll have a tomcollins, a mint julep, and an old-fashionedwith three cherries. - savage. - ids? i just meant--
sure. - well, congrats onyour first gig, g-money. - yeah, it's super cool. - are you sure you'rereally okay with all this? - for the millionthtime, i'm happy for you. (janey coughs) - look at you drunk kitchen. - let's celebrate. - yeah! i'm gonna get turned.
- it's turnt. - i'm gonna get turnt! (group cheering) okay! (laughing) sorry. (laughing) all right. woo-hoo! - your grandma is so cool. mine just whips mewith prayer beads.
(sexy dreamboat music) - i'm not a peen queenmyself, but if i were you, i'd go talk to him. - hey, who's molly? everyone seems tobe looking for her. - stay away from molly,grandma, she's dangerous. - ah, where is he? where did mybeautiful wet man go? - he left.
maybe you objectifiedhim too much. i liked it. (giggles) - i think it'stime for me to go. can you tell grandma shehas a big shoot tomorrow and to get home okay? - i think g-string cantake care of herself. - oh-ho-ho, yes! (grandma cheering) ♪ dan cin' at theclerb at the clerb
♪ dan cin' in the clerbin the clerb in the clerb woo! ♪ dan cin' in theclerb in the clerb (janey thuds onto floor) - grandma, are you drunk? - oh sweetie, whydid you leave early? are you mad at me? you're mad at me. - hmm, let's see,why would i be mad?
you hijacked my audition,destroyed me in shuffleboard, and you didn't even bringyour own air mattress. - oh. (burps) excuse me. - you're not excused. you know, you weresupposed to have my back, not be my competition. - i knew you were mad at me. i'm sorry.
i didn't know what tosay, i don't even know how those castingpeople got my number. - you were my emergency contact! - oh, sweetie. listen, i know that actingis your dream, but it just mightbe my dream, too. the truth is, the war didn't keepme from coming to la,
there was no war. - so, you were lying. - yeah, of course i was lying,how old do you think i am? but, you know how i don'tlike to talk about my time in new york and the work idid off-off broadway, and-- - yeah, 'cause of the beatniks. - oh, yeah they were everywhere. tryin' to read me their poetry. but still, my timein the theater,
that was the mostexciting time in my life. i wanted to moveto hollywood, but i was too scared. uh, boy i hatedadmitting that out loud. sitting on the couch withyou these last few months, i didn't want you to makethe same mistakes i made, i wanted you to bebrave, and you are. - if i'm brave it'sbecause you made me brave. but, why didn't you tellme any of this before?
- i wasn't drunk. look, i thought i wascoming out here for you, i figured my ship had sailed. but then we got out here andthere were boats everywhere! but you are farmore important to me than any silly car commercial. if you don't want me to doit, i'm not gonna do it. - i don't want you to do it. - o-oh.
okay. - grandma, i'm trolling you! of course, you have to do it. i'm just worried. i'm not a fancy coffeeperformance artist, i didn't go to acting school,what if i'm not good enough? what if i don't get my shot? - honey, we're bothgonna get our shot. - (exhales) ah, grandma,what if we have to get jobs
at the stop 'n' shop butthen you get us fired for selling denture glueand then we can't get jobs at best buy becauseyou have a criminal record and i can't wear khakis. oh grandma, why are you lettingme go to this dark place. (grandma snores) grandma? (birds singing) (grandma exhales)
- oh, oh good, you're up. look, what do you think? - grandma, no you can'twear that to the shoot. or anywhere. - what am i gonna do? - you think i can pull this off? - that's your jacket. - i hope they like me, ireally wanna do a good job. - don't worry, they'regonna love you.
you're cool. af. - what's a "af"? - (chuckles) itmeans super cool. - maybe i shouldjust come with you. - that would be so af, but first, coffee. - big shoot today. break a leg, g-force. (janey sighs in wonder)
- grandma, this is real. - wow. (janey exclaims excitedly) what's that, quack mouth? - duck lips, but that's out, it's all aboutsparrow face, now. (grandma cackles joyously) (grandma breathing hard) (people talking in background)
(music cuts out)(fan blowing) he looks even hotter all windy. - go talk to him. c'mon, you're the smartest,most beautiful af girl i know. - maybe let's not use af. - noted. but did i ever tell youabout ethel rutherford? well, in high school shewas always going on and on about how girls shouldnever approach boys.
she practicallyinvented slut-shaming. do you know where ethel is now? she got married last monthto her cat, mr. tuna mouth. do you understandwhat i'm saying? - that ethel's lastname is now tuna mouth? - no, go talk to him. - ehh! hi, i'm janey, are you wet? no, i'm wet.
i mean, nobody's wet, i'm dry, i'm dry janey. - i'm oliver,assistant director. - sorry, just got intotown, i'm super out of it. i'm still on michigan time. - no way. check this out. - is this real life? are you really unbuttoningyour shirt right now?
- [both] go blue! - you're from michigan, too? - born and raised. here, so i was in detroituntil the third grade, and then i moved here. - lansing? - east lansing, yeah. - beautiful. - nice meetin' you.
- did you get his digits? - no. - what about his phone number? - wait, ew, what did youmean by "get his digits"? look grandma, bumper in the car. - and there's a girl withher grandma in this script. they changed it. cuddle clothes! - [both] this is us!
- wait, so, they stole ourstory and they didn't cast me? to play me? - let's get grandma to the car. okay everyone! places in five. - hey, oliver? maybe you could help me. could you introduceme to the director? i think they may havestole my story, and, um, i auditioned.
this part should be mine. - oh, um, i'm sure you'd beamazing but actually the-- - hey babe, i had the paget you a blt with extra b, and i told 'em that youhate mayo, so if there is any then you shouldget him fired. (victoria exhales disgustedly) why is this littlelatin boy staring at us? - come on, victoria. this is janey.
- we met yesterday,at the audition? - oh, i guess youdidn't get the part, 'cause i did. - wait, you're playing me? and you're dating him? okay, i-- no. grandma, they cast someoneelse to be play me: that overtly sexual meangirl we met at the audition.
- yeah, and she's dating mybeautiful, wet, windy man. - oh, honey, you didn't callhim that to his face did y-- nevermind! i am just gonna quit. - no-no-no, don't,you're a professional. - ugh, what smellslike mothballs in here? - oh, that tiny nose you paidtoo much for actually works? - can you tell your houseelf this is a closed set? - don't worry, i'm leaving.
could this day get any worse? - okay, rehearsal. grandma, pretendto shift the gear. - okay, shifting. - uh, grandma? grandma, no, no! grandma, grandma, no! (remixed song withauto-tune audio) ♪ grandma-grandma-grandma no
(janey slow motion exclamation) ♪ grandma no ♪ gr-gr-gr-gr-grandma ♪ no ♪ gr-gr-gr-grandma no ♪♪ (select next jingle) (youtube red jingle)
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